Cross-country running star, marching band member, honor roll student, youth leader are some of the ways you could have described Kayla Marie (above) when she was sixteen years old. Well-liked by her teachers and peers, Kayla was breezing through high school until she discovered her unintended pregnancy. Teen mom was not a description she ever expected.
“When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t even consider an abortion. I figured I would have the baby and raise it in my family home. There was a lot of dysfunction in my family but I was a teenager and didn’t feel like I had much choice in where to live. I knew about adoption but I didn’t want to never see my baby again or not know how my child was doing. When I was told about open adoption I knew that was perfect for me. Kids at school thought I was crazy for giving up my baby. I told them I wasn’t giving up my baby - I was making the best decision for my baby.
With an open adoption, I was able to read about different adoptive couples and meet them before making my decision. I looked at four couples and chose three to meet. After meeting them, I was excited about the couple I chose because they were Christians like me. They both seemed genuine, relaxed, funny. They traveled a lot. I liked that because I had never left my home state. It seems silly now, but it mattered when I was 16.
The adoption agency was incredibly helpful. I always felt heard and never felt pressured. They gave me a counselor to talk with one-on-one before and after the adoption so I could process my thoughts and emotions in a healthy way. I had an attorney that took me through the legal process. They even offered group sessions with other birth moms. I found out about open adoption in my final month but other girls shared how the adoption agency was able to help them with safe housing, getting to medical appointments, maternity clothes, and the various ways they were helped to make ends meet during their pregnancy.
Society needs to be more informed about adoption, especially open adoption. I’m amazed that twenty-two years later, I’m still correcting common misconceptions. For example, when I was a teenager and told people about having placed my child in an open adoption, they thought it meant I would get him back once I was able to care for him. I’d explain that once I relinquished my parental rights, the adoptive couple became my child’s legal parents in every sense. Now, I am able to share how I maintained a connection with my son through letters and photos or in-person contact but I never had a parenting role. My relationship to him was more like that of an aunt or a special friend.
I love open adoption because I got to see my son grow up with a wonderful family and it enabled me to be a teenager. My son’s parents included me in many of their family activities until they moved to another state. Then, we kept in touch on the phone and I often received photos. I visited them a few times and we always got together when they came back for visits. Placing my son for adoption allowed me to finish high school and travel before I got married. I have two daughters with my husband and they adore their older brother! (Kayla is pictured with her son and daughters a few years ago).”
Like many birth mothers and fathers, Kayla made a loving, intentional decision to place her baby for adoption. She never once gave him up. Beginning this National Adoption Awareness Month, please join me in using the term "placed for adoption" instead of "gave up" when referring to the beautiful and loving choice of adoption. And, let’s normalize referring to birth mothers as heroes for choosing LIFE for their baby and making the difficult but loving decision to place their baby for adoption.